Alzheimer’s Caregiving: Long Distance Relationships

When Harvey was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, I knew that his best friend from college would want to know about it. As is wont to happen these days, we had lost touch with Chris and his wife, Kate, and I didn’t know how to contact them.

Harvey’s brother was the connection between these two friends, so I asked Dennis to contact Chris if possible. He did, and Chris called me. I explained the situation, the steps we had taken to get a diagnosis and where Harvey was in the disease process. Chris then had a conversation with Harvey on the phone, carrying it mostly by himself.

Chris and I would then correspond periodically through email, me keeping him abreast of Harvey’s status.

A few months after that first contact, Chris came to Birmingham for a visit. He and Harvey rode out to the college we had all attended, walking the campus and even visiting with one or two beloved professors.

Later, when they returned, they were joined by two more college friends who reminisced about their escapades together. Though Harvey did not join in the memories or contribute to the conversation, he was positively radiating with the contentment of being surrounded by old friends.

Chris and I continued to stay in touch with emails, and Harvey and I made two trips to visit him and Kate. They returned to visit us a number of times as well, even coming into town for our eldest daughter’s wedding where Chris gave a toast at the rehearsal dinner.

I don’t know that Chris would count himself among Harvey’s caregiving team, but in my estimation, he was a vital part of it. He brought joy and companionship to Harvey on their visits together.

Chris also was a listening ear for me as I explained the current state of our lives. From the vantage point of distance and time, Chris offered me a new perspective for assessing the progress of Harvey’s dementia. If you’ve ever been a part of a long distance relationship with a growing child, you’ll know what I mean. Each time you see the child, you’re astonished at how much they’ve grown and changed, but the parents, who are experiencing the incremental changes daily, have a harder time seeing those changes. Chris could see losses I hadn’t noticed, but he also saw abilities that remained that I may have overlooked.

Your support system and caregiving team may include out of town folks. Family members and friends these days are often flung far. Instead of closing ranks and hunkering down in the shrinking world of dementia, try reaching out to distant family and friends. It can be enriching for them, for you, and for your loved one.