Our family was, and still is, very connected at the church Harvey and I joined when we were engaged to be married, about thirty-five years ago. Our daughters grew up there, and our deepest friendships blossomed there.
So it was natural that these folks would be the lynch pins that kept our family tied to this community throughout Harvey’s Alzheimer’s disease.
I can’t begin to name all the people and all they did for Harvey and our family in the eight years of his illness and afterwards. But I will share a few:
I play keyboards in our church’s band, and because practice occurs early Sunday mornings, Harvey would sit and listen as we rehearsed. Eventually, he began to wander off when he got bored. I was going to have to quit the band so that I could keep a closer eye on him.
When I told our friend, Bill, he volunteered to sit with Harvey so that I could continue to play with the band. Bill became Harvey’s shepherd for two hours every Sunday morning.
Another friend, another Bill, actually, created a bowling group, expressly for Harvey’s socialization, but of course, they all had fun!
When I expressed concern that I was going to have to close my medical practice one day a week in order to sit with Harvey during a drug trial, another friend, Hanna, volunteered to stay with him.
I hadn’t asked Hanna and the two Bills to do these things for Harvey and me, but because I had let known my concerns, they offered specific ways of helping. This, in turn, made it easier for me to begin asking other people for help.
The wider circle of friends and acquaintances at church were literally, “just there for us.” I could count on folks to engage with Harvey so that I could socialize independently, without him constantly by my side. I could ask any male at the church to check on Harvey when he seemed to take too long in the restroom. And in less concrete ways, my family and I felt surrounded by support and care. No one ignored us or shunned us; we remained fully integrated in the community.
One Sunday morning, later in the disease state, Harvey refused to change out of his pajamas when we were getting ready for church. Now, most people I know would have given up and just stayed home, but I knew we would not be judged, so he went to church that morning in his pajamas! And no one blinked an eye.
You may not have a community of faith to support you, but hopefully, you do have some type of community that completely understands you. It might be a tight-knit neighborhood, or your work family, or extended family. When you surround yourself with loving, caring people, you don’t have to wear a mask and pretend that everything is perfect. You can be yourself. You can even go to church in your pajamas!
One Response
Beautiful!