If you have a loved one with Alzheimer’s or another dementia, you know that your holidays will not be the same as they were prior to the diagnosis. So how can you plan ahead so that you won’t be caught off guard? Preparing ahead of time will hopefully ensure the best possible holiday moments for you and your loved one.
Once you recognize that this season will likely not be the same as prior ones, you can set some realistic expectations for yourself and your loved one. You will still have to provide care, so adding in additional tasks during the holiday season will be very taxing. You must simplify. Others may not understand why you are not contributing to the season as you normally would, so it is imperative that you be open and honest about your limits. If you just don’t think you can manage the big traditional Christmas dinner like you always have, so say! Clearly. And don’t get bullied into doing things you just cannot do this year. Set your limits and be clear about it.
Prepare your guests or your hosts ahead of time as to what they may expect from a visit with you and your loved one. Explain clearly how the loved one may behave, speak, and interact. Perhaps you could arrange a phone call between a key guest and your loved one ahead of time, just to give the guest an idea of the impact dementia is having. Make sure your guests understand some basic practices when interacting with someone with dementia. Two simple reminders may suffice: never quiz a person with dementia and never start a sentence with, “Do you remember…”
And prepare your loved one for visits. Perhaps you could bring out photo albums and look at pictures of your guests/hosts to familiarize him or her with the faces and names they will be interacting with. Do this several times leading up to the visit. The phone call mentioned in the preceding paragraph would also help your loved one become more familiar with the people in the upcoming visits.
If you and your loved one will be traveling for part of the holiday, even if it’s just down the street, you need to make preparations ahead of time for that as well. Decide how long you will be able to stay. Plan a “time out” room or space for your loved one to retreat to if he or she becomes overwhelmed with the bustle. A quiet room at the opposite end of the house could be set up with activities that your loved one could enjoy. Schedule rests during the visit.
I was caught off guard one year when I had not prepared my extended family for the possibility of Harvey’s wandering. I was thoroughly enjoying playing games in another room when he went out the front door. The family members in the room with Harvey didn’t think anything of it. They just thought he was going outside to get some air. When I came into the room and saw he wasn’t there, I panicked, but no one understood why I was so upset. I hadn’t alerted anyone about Harvey’s new propensity to walk away when he got bored or overwhelmed. Luckily, he was easily found, just down the street.
You don’t have to skip the holiday season or hibernate through it. A little bit of preparation ahead of time could make for happier and safer expectations.