Take Care of Your(emotional)self

Just as taking care of your physical body is important as a care partner, so too is taking care of your emotional health. Caring for a loved one who is declining can take an emotional toll on the one doing the caring. It is no small thing to watch your loved one change and become more dependent on you as time progresses. It is no small thing to realize that your dreams of your future together will never be realized. It is no small thing to take on more and more tasks as your loved one loses more and more abilities.

What can you do with all the anger, sadness, and frustration that comes with being a care partner? It is certainly unfair to take it out on your loved one. Even though they are the ones causing these emotions in you, you have to eventually realize that it is the disease causing these emotions, and not the person themselves.

Harvey had enough to struggle with as he grappled with the meaning of living with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. It didn’t feel right for me to burden him with my depression and anger. Other care partners have different approaches, so I am not saying that my reasoning has to be yours.

So where did I channel these difficult emotions? For me, it was journaling. I had journaled in the past sporadically, but three months after I knew something was going on with Harvey, I began to write out what was happening to him, to me, and to our daughters. It was a place where I could be completely unguarded and say exactly what I was feeling. I filled five journals during the eight years of his disease.

I also knew that a counselor would be very helpful. I had recommended counseling to countless patients, but I had never had the need to see one myself. And I didn’t initially see a need, I just felt that I should be proactive about it and establish a relationship early on.

A trained counselor is unbiased and should be able to see your situation with a clear, unprejudiced eye. Your friends and family know you too well. They are too close to the situation to be objective about what they see and hear when you confide or vent to them.

My support group was another avenue of emotional support. Because each of the members understood what it was like to have a loved one with dementia, we also understood the emotions, whether expressed or hidden. We could get rather macabre about the subject of caregiving, but we absolutely supported each other emotionally through all stages of the disease.

Another way to care for your emotional health is to enlist the help of others in caring for your loved one. Building a team for yourself lessens the burden of caregiving and helps you feel that you are not alone in this endeavor. It can also give you time to do these self-preserving measures for yourself.

And every care partner needs a break from caregiving at times. I would argue that you need a break daily, in the midst of your hectic day. Just a ten second moment to breath deeply and quiet your brain can offer a measure of restoration.

You deserve to care for yourself! Your loved one needs your best self.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.