This might turn into a longer series of articles than I had anticipated. Beyond the list I had complied for myself, I have gotten some responses from readers with new “what not to says. “I’ll reiterate that people in general mean well, so these phrases aren’t meant to be hurtful, they are just…unenlightened. I’ll end the series by discussing “what TO say.”
“I guess it could be worse.”
Really? Well, that’s no comfort. In fact, it’s cruel. I’ve heard people say this a lot when they themselves are in a difficult situation–an illness or a financial crisis, for example. I guess they think this phrase makes their current situation seem more manageable. But I think it decreases the direness of of any personal difficulty, and minimizes the hurt and pain one is currently feeling. It is exceedingly cruel to say this to someone else who is suffering. Can they really feel better about their life knowing someone has it worse? And isn’t it terrible to play the “who has it worse” game anyway? No thank you!
“Everything happens for a reason.”
No. Life is a mystery. God did not cause my husband to get Alzheimer’s disease. And God did not cause a hurricane or a tornado to deliberately wipe out a community. I believe that God created the world and set it in motion, but God is not smiting individuals with illnesses or nations with weather disasters. Maybe there is some grand plan that I don’t fully understand, but a God of Love does not choose to inflict pain on creation. It might be scary for some to think that God is not in total control of the universe, minutely controlling creation, but it’s scarier for me to think that God cherry picks persons destined for tragedy.
“God never gives you more than you can handle.”
This is similar to the previous statement because it implies that God GAVE these trials to us. God is not the giver of trouble. And what if we fail and can’t handle it? Does that mean we didn’t have enough faith? Or does it mean that God DID give us more than we could handle? Therefore God was wrong to give this trial to us? I know this statement is meant to give sufferers encouragement, but it makes me fume!
“I don’t know how you do it!” This always made me squirm. As if I was some super-human. At times, I wasn’t sure how I did it myself! You do what you have to do. I had no choice otherwise. My choice was in how I tended to our needs–Harvey’s, our daughters’, and mine. I think the motive behind this statement is to compliment the caregiver on doing a good job. Someone saying this may also be trying to place themselves in the caregiver’s shoes, being empathic. But if that thought experiment leads them to believe they wouldn’t do the same, it says more about them than it does about the caregiver.
7 Responses
This is so astute! Thank you!
And by that, I mean that you have so accurately assessed the situation! Even just caregiving for an elderly person without dementia, these “what not to say” items are perfect!
Really, they apply in SO many difficult situations.
I find the What not to Say items very helpful and I look forward to the What to Say items. Here’s another what not to say: acquaintance of mine had a friend develop early onset and die from it years before. My (former) friend and her husband, George, knew my husband well (he’s moderate Alz. but slipping rapidly). Seeing me one day she asked about him. I said, well b/c of his Alz. he’s sliding rapidly now and it’s hard to see and she said, “oh, I know all about Alzheimers. Let me tell you of this great thing George did recently!.” A comment like this is not recommended and was the absolute worst one I received. Good comments: we are praying for, we know you are working hard and doing a wonderful job, can I bring dinner one night?, and once I got handed a bag tied with a gay ribbon that contained my favorite home-made fudge just to say she’d been thinking of me and Joe.
Renee, you may already have this one but just in case: “She’s in a better place”. The person saying this doesn’t realize they are focusing on the deceased not on the person grieving.
I think this part of your book is especially healing and helpful. Healing because I can smile and laugh and not feel so wicked. Yes, they meant well.
Helpful because it is hard to say the right thing. And people do want to comfort others with words.
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH THAT because I never could…..???? I never could figure out if it was a real question or what? Lol
Oh, good! I tried to set a tone that wasn’t too snarky, but truthful too. And yeah, that one? Not sure how I was supposed to respond. My grandmother used to be taken aback by the comment, “ You’re amazing!” As if just living a long time was some personal accomplishment. I kinda understood, but she WAS amazing!