Well, I spent five weeks detailing comments that make caregivers of persons living with Alzheimer’s disease inwardly cringe when they hear them. It wasn’t meant to shame anyone, but merely to let you know how care partners might perceive them. Most of the time, people just don’t know what to say, and too often trite sentiments spring forth without much thought. As I was publishing these pieces, several caregivers responded by echoing how hurtful some of the “what not to say” comments were. Another one of their responses was to tell me what they DID find comforting to hear. I want to share those with you today.
“I’m praying for/thinking of you.”
Just knowing that people are aware of your situation and are thinking of you can be comforting. I know that as a part of a faith community that valued prayer, I felt surrounded by and comforted by all the friends who were regularly lifting up our family’s situation. The fact that a number of people took the time to consider our plight and just remember us was special to me. Even if you do not profess a faith, knowing that your friends are thinking about you can be encouraging and heart-warming
“Tell me how you’re really doing. It must be hard.”
When someone genuinely acknowledges how difficult the situation is, it makes the care giver feel validated. And I guarantee you that it won’t make the care partner feel any worse by acknowledging his or her pain. Diminishing it would, as would over-stressing it. But by allowing the care partner to open up to you, you are giving him or her a chance to relieve some of their burden.
“I thought you might need a pound cake.”
A friend offered this suggestion, and I love it! Not only is there a delicious gift, but there is a suggestion that the recipient is in need of something. Of course, caregivers don’t actually need pound cakes, but the sentiment and action are lovely. They didn’t ask if the caregiver wanted a pound cake, it was just presented. I can imagine the baker praying for or thinking about the care partner as the cake is being prepared. If you know the intended recipient has health issues that preclude desserts, you could certainly substitute a healthier option. If you know their preferred foods, even better. “I thought you might need a smoked salmon!“
“May I walk with you?”
Just sitting, or walking alongside, in silence can be comforting. The person you are with knows that you care enough to spend time just being together. If the caregiver wants to speak, you will be there as a listening ear.
“I’m available to cut your lawn on Saturdays. Would that help you?”
One of the best things you can offer a caregiver is a specific way to be of service to them. As I mentioned in a previous post, just offering an open ended, “How can I help?” can be intimidating and overwhelming. It’s much better to have a task in mind and offer that. The list of services you might offer are many: bring a meal, cut the lawn, walk the dog, clean the house, drive to an appointment, shop for groceries, or engage the person living with Alzheimer’s disease so that the care partner can have some free time. Most of the help I received from friends were direct and specific offers after they heard me voice a concern, so keep your ears and heart open to what they may need from you.
4 Responses
Earlier this year before CoVid, my husband broke his neck in a roll over one truck accident which was related to his dementia. While he was in intensive care, my neighbors didn’t ask and just “did”. The lawn was mown, leaves raked, and roof cleared of debris. Many physical tasks were undertaken and continue to be done by these friends. Coming home daily, I saw love from the men who cared deeply for us.
That is truly beautiful! Thank you for sharing, Susanne.
This is a much needed article because people want to help but most just don’t know how. Thanks for sharing. I know I would not ask for help but these are such great ideas.
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Wonderful! So glad it was helpful. They can apply in so many situations.