I originally titled this seventh chapter of my teaching memoir “It’s OK to Ask for Help.” After reading the manuscript, one of my daughters pointed out that I rarely asked for help, and that the stories I told involved my accepting help when offered. Ouch! New title followed.
So that right there tells you it was difficult for me to ask for help. Thinking back, it just didn’t enter my mind. I am a strong woman. I told myself that I could do it myself. Even as I was called upon to do more and more of the household tasks, I would find ways to get it all done.
The first help I asked for was directed to professionals: the neurologist, our accountant, a financial advisor, our estate lawyer, my counselor. It was their job, therefore it was OK to ask for their help.
Then, it was easiest to ask for help from family members. Our daughters could be asked to stay with their dad from time to time. I could ask them for help with technology. Eventually, their help was monumental–from meal prep to meeting me and their dad at the hospital for emergencies. And my parents were eager to help whenever I asked.
Accepting help when offered was the more common scenario in my case. I guess I opened myself up for this by being vulnerable and expressing my worries to friends. They, in turn, saw my concerns as opportunities to provide help. I wasn’t asking for help, not even underhandedly. I would just lay out some problem I was trying to deal with, and they, in sometimes creative ways, would come to my rescue.
My memoir is filled with stories that illustrate these offers of help, and my eventual accepting of it. It humbles me even now to remember the scope of all that unexpected support.
My very first blog post from 9/17/2019 is titled “Is Asking for Help a Sign of Weakness?” Many feel it is. Some caregivers feel their loved one wouldn’t accept help from anyone other than themselves. Others feel it is their solitary duty, and no one else’s. Others don’t want to put anyone out by asking for help.
The more you ask for help and accept help, the easier it becomes. For example, because my neighbor had already been walking dogs with my husband, it was easier to ask for her help in finding Harvey when he wandered from our house. So I recommend that you practice asking for help, even if you don’t really need it! Just something simple, like going for a walk with you and your loved one.
And as you think about asking for help, remember that people really do want to help you. They just don’t know what you need. Be ready with specific ideas if someone graciously asks if they can do anything for you.
And because I can’t say it enough, “Thank you!” to all those who showered us with love and support. And “Thank you!” to all those who do the same for other families living in Alzheimer’s world.