Embarrassed By Alzheimer’s

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I was often embarrassed by my husband, Harvey. It’s hard to admit that, but it’s true. His off-the-wall statements, snide comments and looks, and inappropriate actions all made me cringe. And want to correct him. Or apologize for him if we were in public.

It was just so hard to stand by and watch and listen to the actions and words that would never have made an appearance before the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. Even though I knew it was the disease, and that he was coping with the changes as best he could, it still felt deeply wrong when he acted this way. I didn’t want to call him out him by correcting his words or behavior, but I felt like I had to explain them.

One day, about five or six years into the diagnosis, our daughter, Elena, and her boyfriend, Brett, took Harvey out for breakfast. He was wearing his favorite tee-shirt that read “cup of joe to go,” and the waiter said jovially, “I bet you’re gonna order coffee!” Harvey glared and growled, “No!” The poor waiter apologized and backed off, and Elena ordered hot tea for him. And then it happened again. As the same waiter cleared their dishes, he asked Harvey, “Did you enjoy your tea?” Harvey again sarcastically grunted, “No!” As they were leaving, Brett discretely explained the situation to the waiter. I think they did a great job handling it, but it was embarrassing.

At a reception after Elena’s college graduation, Harvey took food off another guest’s plate! The man just calmly turned to him and said, “It’s good, isn’t it?” Harvey nodded while he ate the stranger’s food, and the rest of us shrank with mortification.

Another incident that was deeply embarrassing to me occurred at a restaurant. Harvey excused himself to go to the restroom. I had a direct line of vision to its door, and when another gentleman exited, I could see Harvey urinating into the sink. He and the man leaving were gesticulating to each other, but I couldn’t make out the words. I didn’t make eye contact with the man leaving the bathroom, so I never had to explain Harvey’s behavior, and therefore wasn’t as embarrassing as it could have been for me.

And that’s just it, isn’t it? I was ashamed and flustered by my husband’s action, even though I knew it was the disease. I felt like I should have known better than to go to a restaurant, or to let him go to the bathroom unsupervised. His action reflected poorly on me, and made me look bad by proxy. Ouch!

So what can you do if you find yourself embarrassed by your loved one?

     *You can ignore it, if the action is truly doing no harm to anyone.

*It’s important to try to remain calm, as kicking up a fuss may escalate things.

*You could try distracting your loved one, and moving them away from the situation.

*And of course, you can discretely explain and apologize.

Some care partners carry business cards printed with an explanation of the loved one’s unusual words or actions. The idea is to slip it to a person who has encountered an awkward situation as way of an explanation. Here’s an example.

Lastly, know we’ve all been there. It happens. And while it may have been distressing at the time, in hindsight, these incidents are pretty funny. We often chuckle over Harvey taking food off a stranger’s plate!