My absolute favorite time of year has always been spring. I love spotting wildflowers, hearing the renewed sound of birdsong, knowing daylight is lengthening, and watching buds on the tips of tree branches leaf out. There is so much potential for new life. Rebirth is all around, and I feel hopeful and excited about what is to come. After the chill and darkness of winter, I start to feel alive again.
Other than Thanksgiving and the beautiful colors of autumn, there’s not much I enjoy about the season. The days become colder and shorter, and dreary, grey, rainy days seem to be the norm. It’s more uncomfortable for me to be outdoors. I’m not a football fan, and I don’t get into Halloween. I know that other people really do enjoy the fall season, but for me, it’s a reminder of darkness.
Harvey passed away in late October 2018, so now I have another reason to dislike autumn. I can feel anxiety and sadness start to creep into my soul and psyche, and each year I wonder where this comes from. I remind myself that I have never been a fan of fall. Then it hits. Oh, yeah. This is the time of year that was most difficult for our family. Not just because of Harvey’s death, but the autumns in the two years prior to that were especially difficult as well.
Even writing this today is hard. I don’t want to relive or think about the events of autumn 2016, 2017, and 2018. They were by far the most difficult sections of my memoir to write. I flew through writing about Harvey’s first six years of living with Alzheimer’s disease, but I hit a wall at September 2016.
That’s when his care at home had become too difficult, and I made the decision to place him in memory care. From there, the last two years of his life were a blur of three different memory care units and five separate geriatric psychiatry stays, most of which occurred in the autumn. Throw in multiple calls to and from these facilities and you understand why this time of year sits heavily with me.
“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go.” —Anonymous
It would be lovely if I could let go of the lingering anger, pain, and sadness.
Time has a way of helping me to let go, and it is getting easier to face this time of year. It seems to take a thoughtful willingness on my part. I want to consciously choose to let go of the painful emotions I experienced in the autumn, but my body and my heart will never forget.
Writing and speaking about it are lessening the hold of these difficult emotions. Creating new holiday traditions helps. Experiencing new life by interacting with my grandchild is a balm. The recent purchase of a lake house has diverted some of the pain into new tasks and new fun.
I am hopeful that the painful emotions will fall away at some point.
PS I am editing this post on a gorgeous autumn morning. The sky is that dark clear blue, and even though it’s a little chilly, I’ve dressed appropriately and am comfortable sitting outside in the sun. I can feel the sadness and stress drain away. It’s funny how my mood changes with the weather. If I can just remember that the sun is always there, even behind the clouds.
2 Responses
I just spoke of being prepared to let get. I just lost a brother as I was his caregiver for about five years. Not Alzheimer’s. But I have an Aunt that I also care give for. Her symptoms come and go. I had just said a couple weeks ago I was loosing her again. This is very difficult at times. But understand more each year caregiving. That is why I say thinking ai am being prepared to let get. I know I to have run the race. Gave all I could give. Really loved every minute. So happy that I have been able to be part of her life.
What a beautiful tribute to your aunt and brother. Giving care is indeed a privilege. So hard, but so rewarding!