I have a friend whose spouse lives with Alzheimer’s disease—of the mean variety. As in, my friend has to endure horrible accusatory things that spew from the mouth of the person he loves best in the world. Their marriage was always a little intense, but they managed an easy truce most of the time, and they still deeply love each other.
I struggle with what advise to give. Everything that I think to say sounds trite and cliché.
“It’s the disease speaking, not your loved one.”
“Can you just let it roll off your back?”
“Maybe there is underlying anger at having this disease, and you’re the scapegoat.”
“They’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.”
When the verbal attacks are vicious and personal, the immediate response is to lash back and defend yourself. But, of course, that does no good. How can we train ourselves not to respond in kind?
A few ideas:
It takes time and patience, but if we can pause, count to ten, then respond, maybe some of our initial intense reaction will wane. Removing ourselves from the room in order to calm ourselves may be the best course of action.
Agree with them. What? If you were just called a vile name, how can you possibly respond, “Yes, dear. I know that I am a low-life scum of a human being.” Well, it just might de-escalate the situation. Agree, apologize, and say that you will try to be a better person in the future.
Deflect and distract. “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way. Want some ice cream?” I read about one woman who gave her husband chewing gum whenever he started a cussing streak. Turns out he couldn’t continue the stream of venomous words when he had to concentrate on chewing.
Focus on the feelings rather than the words. “You seem really angry. What can I do to help?” You may get another earful, but at least you have acknowledged their underlying emotion.
Use humor. I read this as a possible way to cope with disturbing behaviors, but I really can’t figure out how to respond with humor when you are being called every name in the book! Maybe use a made-up silly sounding name for yourself? “You just called me a &#$@, but I’m really a smooteranker.”
If the behavior is a sudden change, you should ask yourself if something else could be going on. Has a new medication been started? Could there be a urinary tract infection or some other infection? Could there have been a fall with head trauma?
Words and name-calling are one thing, but violent behavior is another thing altogether. It just cannot be tolerated. It’s unsafe and dangerous. Weapons need to be removed from the home if behaviors become threatening. An admission to a geriatric psychiatry ward may be necessary, and medications might be started to try to mitigate alarming aggression. This would be a last ditch effort after other techniques, behavior modification, have been tried and failed.
I haven’t been able to find the origin of the phrase, “mean as a snake,” but if your loved one who is living with dementia fits this description, I pray you don’t bite back.
One Response
This was a really helpful post, Renee. Thankfully, my dad’s most vicious response, when I’m trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do (like bathe), is to call me by my mother’s name. It’s his worst insult. (They were divorced in 1984.) Still, it does sting a little, knowing that he means it as an insult. I’ll try some of these strategies.