Providing Care Is Not a Contest

Video Version Here

I’m guilty. I admit it. I’m not proud of the fact, but I want to come clean.

I have compared my life as a caregiver for someone living with Alzheimer’s to others’ experiences. Sometimes feeling my burdens were not as bad as someone else’s, as well as sometimes thinking I had it worse.

I’ve thought to myself, though never expressed it out loud, “Wow! Your story is so much worse than mine.” With chagrin, I have to say that I have also thought, “Yeah, well, my spouse was younger than your spouse when he was diagnosed.”

There, I said it. It’s out there.

Do you ever get caught comparing your struggles to others’?

I think it’s natural. We want to relate to other caregivers, so we will compare notes. “Does your loved one wander?” “How do you handle their driving?” “Does your loved one still know you?”

And that’s fineIt can be reassuring. It’s one of the functions of support groups.

It can also remind us that “If you’ve known one person with Alzheimer’s, you’ve known one person with Alzheimer’s.” Every case presents and progresses differently. See a prior blog post about this here.

The problem comes when we place a value on our and others’ experiences, and compare them quantitatively, grading the level of difficulty, measuring it against ours, even if it’s just in our minds.

To quote Nora McInerny, “It’s not the Bummer Olympics.”

If you don’t know Nora’s podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking,” I highly recommend it. My daughter, Elena, found it some years ago, and got me hooked. Nora herself experienced some pretty traumatic personal experiences and is now giving people permission to voice their own terrible situations. Unbelievable as it sounds, the podcast is not depressing!

You can listen to a fifteen minute mini-episode titled “Not the Bummer Olympics” here. In it, Nora explains how when we say, “My situation doesn’t compare to yours,” we are denying our truth. Or downplaying our own burdens. Also, Elena has a short quote in it. You’ll recognize her story. Beware, there are a few ads at the beginning, and a few curse words.

So if you are struggling with caregiving, or grief, or any number of difficult burdens, please don’t try to minimize it by saying it doesn’t compare to mine or someone else’s. It’s your burden, and it is hard.

Along the same lines, you’ve probably heard people say, “I guess it could be worse” when they themselves are in any type of struggle. Maybe they think this phrase makes their current situation seem more manageable. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. But again, I think it decreases the direness of any personal hurt and pain that you are currently experiencing.

And NEVER say, “I guess it could be worse” to someone who is suffering. It is exceedingly cruel. Can they really feel better about their struggle knowing someone has it worse?

It’s terrible to play the “who has it worse” game.

I’ll try to remember.