Self-Compassion While Caregiving

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I’ve written quite a bit about self-care when one is a caregiver to a person living with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia. It is so important to take care of one’s self in order to be the best provider of care for our loved ones. They deserve the best that we can give. How can we give good care if we are not at our best?

This includes caring for our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves. And it’s not a selfish thing to do at all! Putting our needs second to our loved ones’ may be appropriate at times, but disregarding our personal needs altogether never is.

Self-care is NOT saying, “I’ve had a horrible week, so I deserve to drink this bottle of wine, alone, in front of the TV tonight.” That’s self-indulgence, not self-care. We are not actually caring for our bodies, minds, or spirits with these types of actions. Self-care implies taking GOOD care of the life that we have been given.

But what about self-compassion? Is this the same thing as self-care? If not, how is it different?

Two weeks ago, I posted this quote from the Buddha on Facebook and Instagram: “If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete.” It struck a chord with me, and several readers commented  that it did with them as well.

Self-care is an action, while self-compassion is a state of mind that will lead to self-care.

While I do think that I practice good self-care most of the time, I am also often my own worst enemy when it comes to self-compassion.

Self-compassion involves giving yourself the same respect, care, and loving-kindness that you would give to a good friend. The word compassion literally means “suffer with.” When encountering a dear friend who is living through a difficult experience, we are moved with compassion. When we see another person or an animal suffering, and we feel empathy for their pain, our hearts are moved, and we want to ease that pain, or at least, try to understand it.

Having compassion for another also means offering understanding and kindness when they fail, or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly.

We wouldn’t treat a friend with cruel taunts and criticisms when they make a mistake, so why would we do it to ourselves?

You deserve the same compassion that you would extend to a friend.

For caregivers, this most often involves not beating ourselves up when we fail to live up to our own goals and standards. Providing care for persons living with dementia is very difficult. Providing perfect care is impossible. I have yet to meet a care partner who filled this role without some missteps.

Often our harshest critic is the one that camps out in our brains.

We would not expect perfection from our friends, so why do we demand it of ourselves?

I’m not advocating throwing in the towel to good caregiving practices. Rather, I’m saying that showing compassion towards oneself when faced with shortcomings is a healthy approach. We will make mistakes. Everyone does. Acknowledge it, then be a good friend to yourself, and with compassion, name that the situation you are living with is worthy of your own compassion. Be kind to yourself. Offer yourself words of understanding and comfort. Forgive yourself.

And then move on.

If we start with self-compassion, it will ultimately lead to following best practices of self-care, which will lead to having a happier, healthier, more fulfilling, and more whole life.