Home Is Not a Place

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I’ve been thinking a lot about “home” lately. Probably because I’ve spent so much time traveling!

I moved into this little gem of a house five and a half years ago, downsizing from our large family home. Knowing the family home would sell quickly, I bought my new house before I sold the old one. And because the new house was about half the size of the old one, I decided which furniture and decor would fit and that I loved most, then took that with me, and sold the rest.

I decided to move when Harvey became a permanent resident in a memory care facility and our daughters had grown and were living on their own. How was this new house going to feel like home without those I most loved to populate it? If “home is where the heart is,” and my heart was scattered, how would this new house ever feel right?

Home can be a place as broad as a country or region, or as specific as one’s house. But home can be much more than a tangible place. Home can be a feeling, a sense of belonging, a place of peace. Harvey felt like “home” to me, and our daughters know that feeling with their husbands.

Wanting to go home is a familiar refrain heard by care partners of persons living with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias. It can be distressing to have your loved one express a desire to go home when they ARE at home. They might be living in the past, not recognizing their current surroundings. I’ve heard stories of caregivers who actually took their loved one on a drive to see their childhood home only to have the loved one not recognize even that home in the end.

And if your loved one is in a care facility, their desire to go home may be literal, yet impossible.

But maybe that expressed desire to go home is really a cry of unease or anxiety, of feeling out of sorts, lost in their confused world. “Home” may mean “I want to feel secure.” And our response to that desire should not be to counter with the harsh truth, “You ARE home!” Rather, recognize what the underlying emotion is and seek to comfort your loved one with words of love, warmth, and security. And then, divert their attention to a different topic, one that is enjoyable for them.

My small cottage does feel like home to me now, partly because I am surrounded by my favorite things that remind me of my favorite people.

More importantly, I came to realize that my heart is ultimately my own, and I will be home no matter where I choose to live. Home is not a place.

Prayer: God of our hearts, when we feel most lost in this world, walk us back to home. When those we love or care for are feeling lost, help us guide them back to the home of their hearts.